Parenting & Baby Articles

Most children are not ready to learn to control their bowels and bladder (poo and wee) until they are 2 years old and some not until they are three. Often boys are later than girls. To be ready to use the toilet or potty your child first needs to understand that their bowels or bladder are full. They need to be able to hold on to their urine (wee) for an hour or so (so they can, for example, wake up dry from their daytime nap). They need to be able to understand that they are meant to use the toilet or potty. The first sign of this awareness may be that they tell you when they are actually doing wee or poo or when they have just done it. When they get praise for telling you, they will be ready to move on to the next step. This will be to tell you before they are actually doing it.

Other signs of readiness are:

• taking an interest in others using the toilet
• pulling at wet and dirty nappies
• telling you that they are wet
• telling you that they don’t want to wear nappies any more.

Many children go on wetting the bed long after they are dry during the day. It is not necessary to worry about bedwetting if the child is under five or so. If your child continues after this, or has been dry and starts wetting again, check with your doctor to make sure there is no medical problem. Also check with your doctor if one child is bedwetting much later than others in the family. Once this is clear, you can be reassured that over 10% of children in the younger primary school years wet their beds. They grow out of it naturally.

Getting ready for toilet training

• Teach your child the words needed for asking to go to the toilet such as ‘wet’, ‘dry’, ‘poo’, ‘wee’, ‘potty’. Choose words that you are comfortable using.
• Choose either a potty or a special toilet seat with a footstool or brick (a brick is cheap and easy to step up on). This is necessary if you choose to use a toilet seat, so that your child feels safe and relaxed on the toilet. A potty can be moved around the house, but you may need to take it out with you if your child is not used to using a toilet. (This can be quite useful for emergencies when you are caught in traffic.)
  
• Some toddlers are afraid of being flushed down the toilet because they don’t yet understand that they cannot fit down such a small hole. For these children, a potty is better or at least don’t flush the toilet until they are safely out of the way.

• Make sure the toilet area is safe. For example, keep household cleaners and deodorants out of reach.
• If you feel comfortable about it, let your child go with you to the toilet and talk about what you are doing.
• Make sure your child is wearing clothing that is easy to get on and off and to wash, such as trainer pants.
• In warm weather you might like to let your child go without pants or nappies for some of the time.

Starting toilet training

If your child tells you before they do a wee or poo, just take them to the toilet or potty. If they don’t get there in time at first, give them praise for whatever they have managed, such as pulling down their pants or sitting on the toilet. Make sure they see that the praise is for them learning a new skill, not something they have to do to please you. For example you might say ‘You did that really well’, rather than ‘You are a good girl for Daddy’.

If your child isn’t telling you yet before they poo or wee, choose a time when you are able to give lots of attention to them before you decide to start. If you see signs that they are about to do a wee or poo say something like ‘Let’s see if there is a wee coming’. Then take them to the toilet or potty. Children are often very busy with what they are doing, so they don’t always notice their body’s message that their wee or poo is coming.

Be positive. Learning to use the toilet is difficult. Praise small successes.

Toilet training troubles

Learning to control bowels and bladder is a major task for your toddler and sometimes there are hitches for various reasons.

• Starting too soon.
• Parents have set themselves a date to succeed by.
  Development doesn’t obey dates.
• Pressure from relatives or friends (‘Surely Tom isn’t still in nappies?’).
• Parents feeling they must get their child trained. If your child feels tension and pressure they may become afraid of making a mess, and it will be hard for them to get it right.
• Children and parents getting into a battle over toilet training. Everybody loses in this sort of battle.
• If you think your child is purposely not trying to succeed, try not to punish them or show them you are angry. This sets back the new learning.
• Any stress in your child’s life, such as a new baby or starting child care can set them back.

Physical problems

Sometimes after an illness or because of constipation a small tear (or fissure) occurs which causes pain when a child does poo. This can make your child try to hold on. Eventually small amounts of poo leak out when the bowels become too full to manage. This can cause great distress to children. If you feel this is happening, or your child seems to be in pain or there is blood in the poo it is important to see a doctor.

Sometimes the bowel gets used to being full of poo all the time. Your child then cannot feel when they need to go to the toilet. They don’t get the message they need to go. This needs medical help to get it started again.

You should also see your doctor if there are signs of urinary (bladder) infections such as:

• doing wee very often
  
  
• pain when doing wee
  
  
• blood in the wee

• wetting frequently during the day after the age of two
  
  
• if your child’s wee changes in smell
  
  
• a child of four or over is still wetting during the day.
  
  

What parents can do

The most important thing is for your child to feel they have your support in learning this new skill. If they are resisting toilet training or there has been a bit of a battle, they need at least a few weeks with the pressure off. In the meantime, spend lots of time making your child feel good.

Work on making your toddler feel special first, especially if the problem is due to having a new baby (or other stress). After all, your child can see you happily changing the baby’s pooey nappies, while inside they may feel they still need some babying as well. If your child wants to wear a nappy or have a bottle again for a while, let them. Once they feel they are still special to you, they will be able to go forward again.

The first step towards a new beginning is telling your toddler, whenever and wherever they do their poo, that poo is good and doing poo is good for them. This will help them to feel free to tell you when they are doing it, or when they are ready to.

Sometimes it helps to put the potty in a place chosen by your child.

If your child is relaxed about it, you could take them to the toilet or potty at a time when they usually do poo, or after a sleep if they wake up dry.

The first praise needs to be just for sitting there for a short time, or for pulling up their pants or whatever they can manage. Children learn new tasks in small steps and each step can be praised. Don’t wait until they can do the whole task properly.

It is not helpful to make toddlers wash their own pants or sheets. This usually makes them feel bad and may make the problem worse. (Sometimes a counsellor will suggest this as part of a program to help older children be in charge of their own needs, but it is not appropriate for younger children. If it is used by a counsellor it is never used as punishment).

The more you can take off the pressure and help your child to feel that success will be their own doing, the quicker success is likely to come. When children feel tension or anger in their parents, it makes them tense and then it is harder for them to learn new skills.

SPECIAL NOTE: Once your child is using the toilet, you need to be on your guard against disappointment if there are accidents. A few accidents are natural, even when children are trained. If disappointment catches you unawares and your child sees you are upset or angry, it is likely to set back all your good work!

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